This isn’t really a blog, as opposed to what my blogs have been in the past. This is just me saying how I feel about the state of things today. So, if you’re looking for anything probably remotely interesting, in regards to travels and experiences, you can probably skip this one…
I’d regard myself as a fairly normal person, in regards to; made mistakes in my life like everyone else, have regrets like everyone else, and, like many, should I find myself at that ‘starting line’ of of life again, I’d do countless things completely differently. However, I’ve always been the kind of carefree person when it comes to pressures and external factors along the way. I’ve never taken anything personally; I’ve never really felt like I’m less of a person than I need to be, and, I’ve certainly never felt like I’m not good enough for those who I love, and, who I expect to love me. Or, at least, it used to be that way.
I’ve been trying my best to figure out what has changed, what has led me to this point. Of course, it’s very hard to identify personal struggles these days. After all, we live in a time where absolutely everyone is “the victim”, but, trust me, don’t worry, that is NOT me. I’m not going to go down that pathetic rabbit-hole. On that, by the way; I firmly believe if we got rid of lifelong propaganda; from the recent spike in Trans ideology, how everyone must be the wrong sex all of a sudden, to climate scarmongering on how the world will end soon, when there’s no categorical evidence it will, maybe even religion; if we got rid of all of those things from education, to social media, we’d rid ourselves from 99% of all mental health issues which have enveloped recently. But, that’s not me. My issue isn’t mental health, or, at least at that level. My issue is insecurity and lack of self-belief. It’s taken me a long time to figure out what’s changed, as I was alluding to earlier. But, I think I’ve figured it out, and, to explain, I need to tell you the full story.
The story
You’ve probably heard of the term, hopeless romantic, well, I’m just one side of that when it’s come to relationships, hopeless. My early attempts were few and far between successful and outright pointless, and, later attempts just led to a repeat of heartbreak. The last relationship I’ve had was my longest, but, only started due to a moment of weakness, an aftershock of the one prior, where I was finding out I had been cheated on directly before anything could begin, something I’d find out on my birthday. What followed was, what you could argue, was rebound. I full accept it was most definitely what it was. Then I found myself trapped in a 9 year+ relationship with someone I never truly loved, more feeling like I had this, somehow, responsibility, to making up for my error in starting this relationship in the first place, by trying to love her and doing whatever I could to make her happy… all at the expense of not particularly making me happy. I then fell in to some kind of rouse around post 2015, where I was just in denial. Time just passed by, weekends approached, work was work, whilst my life itself stood just as still as it was in the 2012 where it started. But, then, something happened…
By the latter regions of 2019, I was not happy in my relationship. Whilst, looking back, I’m disappointed no close friends of mine noticed, work colleagues who didn’t know me that well, certainly did though. Two things happened, which led to the complete disconnect in the relationship; the first was essentially a bit of a shock to the system to wake me up, but, still, just the beginning, whilst the second, was the confirmation.
I remember meeting some new colleagues where I worked, who were starting out. As I’d been there for years at this point, I was the ‘turn-to’ guy, at learning the ropes. I was then sat with them for quite a long period of time, there was a guy called Caleb, and a lass called Rachel. Caleb was a bit of a strange person, probably a rich thing to say coming from me, but he was, and Rachel was, certainly, a lived person, so to speak, and, the one, who woke me up. Between all the rubbish of work, comes the obvious ice-breaker questions when you meet someone new, the how are yous, the what do you dos, bla-bla-bla. Then came the topic of relationships, and it didn’t take long to realise just how much of an idiot I had been, for being in this relationship for as long as I had. It went something like; oh you have a girlfriend good, how long? Wow not bad… then came the points of call. When did you meet, do you live with each other then? Do you do this, have you done that, what does she do for a living … it quickly became apparent that whilst I was expecting to be able to share, even briefly as I’m not someone who openly goes out blagging about their lives, it became pretty clear finally in my mind that I have just been wasting my life away. But then, it happened…
2020 was a pretty rollercoaster year. But, until the third month, it really was rather business as usual. That was, of course, until March 2020, the UK choose Chinese propaganda and communism (same as near-all other Countries, for some reason), over correct decision making, and entered lockdown. Being forced not to see your partner in a longstanding relationship for months and months, should be a point of struggle; you should be missing them, it should bring you closer, and, certainly when the time comes to reunite after all that time apart, it should reignite any spark … Yeahhhh, that didn’t happen. What happened, instead, was a sense of emptiness, dare I say, relief?! Here I was, in a position where my longest relationship was impossible to defend at work and made me feel pretty stupid, to all of a sudden, not even feeling bad when we’re apart.
During the years of 2020 and 2021, many many things happened in my life. During lockdown, ironically, I met more people than I’d ever met in such period of times previously, finding myself completely distancing myself from what was supposed to be my relationship at the time. I’d literally make the mental decision to pretend it wasn’t a thing anymore, that’s how important it had become to me. And, I felt better for it. So, it was during this period of time, I took action. Some things I did during this time, were not the right things to do, but, when it came to how our relationship came to a close, I did the absolute correct thing. As I explained in my past blogs, I raised the alarm made the call (so to speak), and, it simply wasn’t answered. We finally ended that relationship before it reached 10 years. I’d actually said to myself, there was NO WAY I was going to let myself be in this for 10 years. But, it was ended in a very civilised manor. I went to her house, we had a talk, explained everything in my life right then and broke up in a fairly decent position with each other. I’m not sure if it ended well, as she thought I was, perhaps, bluffing, which would have been very wrong as I obviously wasn’t. But, that’s brought us closer to the now.
During this period of time, one of the people I met during this time and became close to, was Hannah. At the time of closing my relationship before, we were friends, and she was certainly a very important addition to my life, and I’d say, got me through the lockdown days better than anyone. It was after this whole sorry-scenario, that finally travel restrictions were lifted, and I was able to meet Hannah and what’s followed is the incredible journey I’ve been sharing through our relationship thus far.
End of story
Now, we’re all up to speed, you’ll probably understand, quite a lot has changed in my life over the past few years. A lot of things have happened along the way, many silly mistakes, many things I regret, but we can’t change of influence the past now, we can only do what we can with the present to create the best future we can.
One thing which is different between me and Hannah, versus anyone before, is true love. I know that sounds like some rubbish Disney line, but in this case, it really, truly, is how I feel about Hannah. And, this is why it was the biggest honour of my life so far, to go down on one knee and ask her to marry me, making her now, of course, my fiancée. However, there’s always been that cloud over our relationship when it comes to something I just can’t shake off, and that’s where the topic of this conversation comes in; insecurities.
To me, Hannah is literally the best. She’s the most beautiful, most incredible and easily the one person who makes me the most happy. But, do I deserve that? I’ve made many mistakes in my life, I’ve done things I regret, so, do I really deserve happiness with her? One thing I’ve made sure to be in this relationship, especially recently, is honest. She knows all my mistakes in the past, we’ve been through things that I’ve done and closed them all. I will say this, though; we’ve all made wrong decisions, done things we regret and never should have. However, those mistakes make us become the people we are today. We learn from our mistakes, life punishes us for our mistakes, and we grow from them. I’ve, certainly, learned from my mistakes, punished for my wrongs. But, it’s important not to make yourself be defined by them, instead, be defined by who you are today.
Despite clearing things up, though. I do still feel like I’m not worthy. Certain things you hear in the midst of conversation that catches your attention more than it should. The feeling that trust isn’t entirely 100%, you get what I mean? That feeling where you’ve to prove yourself through everything you do, no matter what. Essentially, I’m in a position today where I’m waiting to be told off for something, despite the fact, I’ve no idea anymore what that could be as I’ve not done anything wrong. This is something naturally I’m thinking about, very deeply, as I do intend on marrying Hannah. These insecurities need to be rectified before that can happen, naturally. I do feel, however, they don’t just come naturally, they arrive for a reason. I’m not saying Hannah doesn’t fully believe in me, but, whether intentionally or not, that’s the feeling I kind of get.
I do feel like it’s perhaps because I’m in a relationship with someone where I’m “punching my weight”, so to speak. I’ve struck gold, where I deserve bronze. I’m happy and honoured to call Hannah my fiancée. I just hope that is something she wants too. She’s certainly shown her examples of insecurity in our relationship. I’m hopeful we can both address those, as, aside from that, we really do have an incredible relationship together that’s truly destined for the rest of our lives.
I don’t have a solution to this, all I have is my will and longing to make this relationship work. For the first time in my life, I’m with someone who truly makes me happy. For the first time in my life, I can say the words “I love you”, without even thinking it, as my heart is doing the talking for me as it’s what I truly and deeply feel. All I hope for, is to feel, like she, too, feel as sure about me as I do about her. Guess, we’ve just a ways to go just yet.
BEHANN 
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