Well, it’s that time again, time for a blog, whilst it’s fair to say the first few months of the year have been, what can only be described as, fairly uneventful, might as well post the latest lowdown of the year so far. One thing that’s becoming rather growingly frustrating this year, however, is the impulse of waiting for things to come. Now, don’t get me wrong, that’s not to say things aren’t going well outside of this, they are, but it’s fair to say impatience is taking over.
What is wrong with my bluddy eyes?
One increasingly annoying thing that’s happening over the last few months, or so, is the seeming increase of continued eye-strain, I don’t know what’s caused it. I mean, obviously, I had eye-strain before this when I used to do completely inhumane hours of overtime last year which makes sense, but now it is happening when I do very little, which is getting beyond annoying.
One thing this did lead to was pushing me to purchase some new glasses, and thanks to my Dad stupidly binning my last prescription, this would lead to something I needed, an eye test. Two things which annoyed me during this time, first was being winked at by a gay-man on the way to the Opticians, the kind of attention you don’t want to get hahah. But, the second was actually ironically finding out my eyes were perfectly healthy. It’s funny, really, whilst finding out my eyes had problems would of course lead to far more annoying and serious things, but at the same time finding out they were fine means I’m back to not having a clue as to why they’re being annoying.
Eye-spray sucks
Armed with a new prescription, and new glasses, in an attempt to sort this out, my latest attempt has been to use eye-spray, mostly because eye-drops are quite frankly awful. Unfortunately, eye-spray has proven to be more annoying and painful than not using it at all, which is a bit annoying. But, have no fear, Hannah has apparently found a solution which is both good that she’s trying to find one, and… bad, because sometimes Hannah’s solutions are “interesting”.
Thankfully, I’m in a position now where my eyes are beginning to not be as annoying, but hopefully they improve soon and maybe, just maybe I’ll try my eye-spray again if I’m in a crazy somewhat suicidal mood, and I’ll keep you posted on Hannah’s infamous solution after my next trip to the Philippines coming really soon, matter of days in fact!
A huge year to come
Less than a week, I’ll be jetting off to the next trip to the Philippines to see Hannah, where the plan is to truly begin plans for a more permanent future together. It’s crazy to think that this will be a year since I last took my first steps in the land over there, but it’s true. It’s fair to say that there’s a huge amount of things I want to do to celebrate the anniversary, including something very big … but, that’s something I’ll have to get back on you and tell you once I’ve returned, after all, even Hannah can read this, you know 😉
From the trip to the Philippines really soon, to a return to the England for Hannah coming soon, to the huge permanent plans for the future to truly begin; it’s fair to say that 2023 is going to be a huge transitional year for us both. Like many things we’ve shared over the last years of knowing each other, it honestly never quite feels real, but it is real, and it’s about time that I got on with it and let’s complete the turning my life around once-and-for-all.
The struggle apart
Of course before we get there, there’s always going to be a collection of times apart, and it’s fair to say that this one has been the most struggling. It’s crazy, but it’s true, the impact of Hannah leaving the UK, was so much stronger than any of the times we made a temporary departure, including any of them in the Philippines. Something was so different about when she was here, everything felt complete, everything felt right, so for that to end, even if it was temporarily, of course, just completely destroyed me, and it’s something I will do absolutely anything to prevent needing to do again.
To say I’ve missed Hannah, would be the biggest understatement made in my entire life, it’s been such a struggle being apart, but if there’s one thing that this has done, is it’s made me a billion times more determined to make this work. There’s being mistakes along the way, there’s been problems that needed addressing, there’s things about each other that annoy the **** out of each other; but, at the end of the day, we love each other and that’s all that matters. Without this turning in to some soppy-sesh, it’s true, I couldn’t live my life without Hannah.
“The one”
This is something I’ve not done for a very long time in my blogs, but it’s something I’m going to do anyway, and that’s be incredibly personal about my past, some struggles along the way, and more importantly ending on why I’m so much happier where I am today, as a result.
There’s many situations that have absolutely almost destroyed me as a person completely, as well as the most important around me. But, from stupid mistakes to out-right annoying people being that with you; it’s the weird direction life takes to lead you right here and now. You can’t influence the past today, but you can certainly work on the present to influence your future and I truly intend to do that. Especially, now I’ve truly found, my one.
Throughout your life, you will meet many people, grow bonds, make relationships, and you’ll have moments, whether once or many, where you feel like this is “the one”, without truly knowing entirely what that even means. I’ve made that mistake a couple times, now. I recall two, in particular, where on one side of the coin, I felt she was “the one”, though this wasn’t something mutually felt and broke my heart in the long-run, and the second example being where I was incorrectly trying to convince myself someone was “the one”, despite all of my being knowing that wasn’t the case. More on the second, later, as she’s certainly doing everything she can to be annoying.
But, before we get to “that” person, I want to do something I have been wanting to do for some time, but a good time never arrived before. I want to discuss someone I haven’t really spoke about publicly before …then we’ll get to the lies, bulls**t and more of my last ex.
Yvonne
There is one, however, that I’ve never mentioned in a blog before. I’m not going to detail the whole situation, I’m not going to parade and broadcast because quite frankly it’s too difficult of a situation to truly grasp. There was another person who captured my feelings, but had a tragic end to herself in such a cruel way. Her name was Yvonne, and in the mere months that we knew each other, she was honestly great. We had laughs, things felt incredible and it was at the brink of her meeting my family…when it happened.
She was eventually forced to admit to me, after a period of suspicious silence and weird behaviour, that she was not well, and not well, in the worst possible way. She had an illness, which was now proving fatal. Naturally, as you’d expect I would be wanting to be by her side, do anything I could to make her better, flailing as much as you could to try and deny as such, but she didn’t want that from me, she didn’t want it to even get close to that. So, she did something you’d argue was quite evil, but looking back I completely understand now. I was to forget about her, move on, and don’t worry about her as she “would be fine”. She removed all communication and told me to focus on what was important in life, my happiness with someone new. This was whilst she was in a Hospital, beginning a low-chance operation and essentially crying down the phone.
I don’t think I can honestly think of any other moment in my life where I’ve struggled to come to terms with something more, but, I still did, mostly because I had to. However, something which almost tore me and Hannah apart, happened last year, when I received a random Message from someone I did not know. Turns out, it was a friend of Yvonne. I remember the situation as clear as today, being in the Wickham with Lee, playing Pokémon GO as he always does, we were in the middle of getting a round in, he was happily mocking the ironic nature of me being in the Philippines despite being against anywhere remotely warm.
I had a rather short conversation with Yvonne’s friend, before she said, what I kind of expected, but that didn’t change the huge impact it had, she had died. This sent me in to a whirlwind of emotion and I certainly did some crazy regretful things during those moments, which I’m relieved to say me and Hannah have got through together solidifying even further my love for her as she understood my situation. When it comes to me and Hannah, we are so much stronger together. I don’t think it’s fair on anyone to go in to what I did, but as is typical with men, we keep all troubles in and despite any consequences do anything we can to forget things, but thankfully this time I was able to be free of this, and I certainly am.
You’re probably wondering what’s led me to out this now. Well, I am already about to discuss some home-truths about the second person in that earlier paragraph, Claire, but what brought up Yvonne, wasn’t just the past few months, but was a rather haunting experience in the last couple days.
I’ve recently purchased an 14-inch M2 Max MacBook Pro, typing on it now, the things a beast it’s really good. It’s going to replace my 27-inch iMac as it basically outperforms it in almost embarrassingly insane ways, but this has, of course, led to me moving all Files across. You tend to find a lot of stupid things you don’t know why you didn’t delete, like temporary screenshots, download ZIPs of Applications you’ve since stopped using, you get the idea. One thing I found, though, was truly haunting, Me and Yvonne used to send each other Voice messages at night, and whilst I was under the impression I’d deleted everything when clearing our WhatsApp, I found one of those messages saved in my old Documents folder. It was a really old one, we’re talking after we’d just met up, but it was crazy as I can honestly say the world just paused thinking back and then realising that she’s dead, just hit me all over again. She was truly an incredible person with such a life ahead of her, life can be so cruel to the wrong people.
However, one thing has changed, for the absolute better is, of course, understanding and of course the position I am at right now in my life with Hannah. Whilst, it was emotional to hear someone’s voice again like that, it didn’t take me long at all to just smile, because I had already fulfilled her biggest wish, which was to dedicate my life to someone who means the absolute world to me. Someone who makes me feel love beyond anything I’ve felt before, someone to commit to for the rest of your life, and I have in Hannah. So, what perfect closure to the whole situation than to just let everyone know, a rather shortened and missing many key things way, the situation surrounding her.
Rest in peace, Yvonne, and, thank you.
Claire – The truth: A rather explosive exposing of lies!
Now, I don’t know about you, but that last section made me want cheering up, so let’s do that by a bit of a bitch-fest eh? OK, maybe not…entirely, but I am going to start going all-out with some home truths about Claire, because quite frankly my patience with her has fully run out. Ending on good faith, civilised conversation in person and opening the door to always be friends; to then find out she’s spreading lies about me and the most important person in my life, Hannah; it’s fair to say Claire has lost her anonymity as far as I’m concerned. Also, “a rather explosive exposing of lies” might seem like a pretty corny title, but I’m in a weird mood so I’m going with it haha.
As many will know now, Claire is my ex, we were in a relationship for around 9 years and since we met back in my College days, things were rather mixed together, but that’s the way things were. Claire arrived at just the right time in my life, having just being destroyed by my ex further-back, Diza, essentially breaking my heart, so she became a coping for that moment. Claire became my best friend in College, and naturally that became more when she decided to ask me out right in the same 24-48 hours period to Diza ending it all. Was it rebound? Who knows, the ingredients for it are all there, but I never really wanted to insult her by admitting it, I guess. I’m not sure if that’s why I never ended our relationship sooner, maybe I was trying to prove myself to thinking that wasn’t the case. Did I love Claire? Well, we certainly had a very strong bond together, she was my best friend and of course for the first few years, things seemed to be growing very nicely, but that all kind of stopped during the 2015 time, dipping more and more and more onwards.
Why am I doing this?
This is something I never wanted to do, but am doing, if anything, for principle. I’m someone who will always do their best to look out for people, do my best, but I’m also someone who quite frankly doesn’t give a shit what anyone says about me whatsoever. I recall and remember vividly being asked by my late-Grandad if I’d ever being bullied in school, I remember instantly answering “no, never”, as that is genuinely the truth. Then, I remember, as I’ve answered that the most people, being told; but Ben what about this, what about that? I guess I just have a thick skin really. The ball stops though when anyone talks shit about my love, or my family, that’s when I hold no prisoners. Claire crossed that line, so, losing all respect to something she promised, I’m going to present my side of what was a pretty dark time in my life; being with her.
A relationship which should of ended so much sooner…
When we became friends, it became strikingly obvious that Claire suffered from mental health issues. One of the first things I did, was to work on getting her in the right place, so convinced her to, essentially, refer herself and try and get her head cleared out. I remember going to many consultations together, and grew a decent understanding of her condition, and general things too. I then did what, looking back, was probably a mistake, by dedicating myself to “fixing” her. Trouble is, anyone that truly knows anything about mental health is there is no fixing, just coping. I remember being told, that the most important thing was to make sure she never gives up on this journey, because once they give up, there’s nothing you can do.
Their came a time, in our relationship, where Claire wasn’t even able to leave the house and travel far, wasn’t able to take a Taxi for barely 20 minutes to come to my house (yet magically was fine when it came to Rugby, like), which led to our relationship being this pathetic one-day visit to her house. We did nothing together, and the times when we did, it had to be local, or else, and quite frankly it was absolutely rubbish. But, I was under this cloud of everything will be OK, this won’t be forever because before we know it, things will be “better”. I can’t even recall how many times, there’s being this new Drug she’s taking, or some new method she’s going to try, which was going to change everything and we’d be able to do what we used to be able to and finally move on with our lives … but, no, every single time we were square one. Not even square one, not even +1 then -1 to make 0, it was all minus, we were completely declining and I was completely stupid enough not to see this.
I already blame Claire, because it’s true, for my declined relations with Rob, maybe could include Kai in that, as she was obsessively under hatred to Rob’s ex, and whilst I never thought it at the time, it certainly became a rather controlling relationship. Why shouldn’t I be able to just see any friend I choose whether with their partner or not. It was honestly pathetic. The turning point to this was one night out, where their was this honestly innocent joke when Rob’s ex said something on the lines of my body looking good cos she’s seen it … she hasn’t, max she’s seen is maybe my chest during a game of Ring of Fire, but that just triggered Claire to go absolutely insane, and it was from that moment onwards I was simply not to see Rob, not to do this; I remember seeing Lee at their house and having to leave suddenly as I was with Claire at the time too, because Rob and his gf would be back, absolutely madness when I look back on it.
All of these things, collectively with the continuing decline of what we were doing and more, I just simply wasn’t a happy person. I took a lot of solitude in laughing to Craig Ferguson’s show, finally being able to embrace Pokémon with someone else when the GO effect kicked of, but when it came to me and Claire, things were pretty grim, yet for some reason I was in complete denial.
The penny drops
It’s ironic that the first biggest thing that woke me up to not being happy in a relationships with Claire, wasn’t actually Claire herself, but a random new-starter at the place I worked. I remember sitting next to a woman called Rachel, who was just starting and quite frankly was very loud and would talk to anyone. So, like another nearby fella, conversations began about the who’s the what’s and everything in between. She spoke about the last 5 years (at the time) where she’d divorced from a Marriage and how she was moving in to this new place, stresses of this, that and the other. Then, it came to me…
It wasn’t until I just laid down my life at the moment with Claire, to someone who didn’t know me well enough to care to pretend things look fine, and instead be honest, to FINALLY realise, change was needed. Ahh so you’re in a relationship, yes, and you see each other everyday right… wait, no.. but you live together right you must do after this long… wait, no. She literally said, “so, what do you have, then?”. Bit brutal, but it sure was a wake-up call.
Lockdown: The perfect wake-up call
Lockdown was the stupidest thing every dumb country that did it, did, to try and tackle a virus no more lethal than Flu, but regardless of that, that’s not the point that’s being made here. Lockdowns essentially pushed you away from those you’d want to see and interact with, on a quite frankly disgusting communist way and I’ll never forgive the amount of compliance we had at the flick of a button … don’t worry, I’m sure Governments will never use this test against us 🙄
One thing Lockdown should have done, is it should have put me in a situation of missing Claire, perhaps even it could have being this fix that had been required for a while. But, instead it was almost a relief. I found myself not missing Claire, and in fact happy she was not around, which sounds awful to say but it’s true. Don’t get me wrong, the moment we were able to see each other again was momentarily positive, but then in the matter of 5 minutes it was back to where we were before which just wasn’t good at all.
We’re done
Claire has found it upon herself to spread some quite frankly stupid lies across Social media, which she’s blocked me from seeing, but people have seen and reported to me, including that I cheated on her for years with a 16 year old?? I don’t know either, and a collection of other lies about Hannah, which have the perfect ounce of jealousy. My favourite line from one of her Tweets was when she said she wasn’t jealous, which you never say unless you actually are, and that she could get any man her age if she wanted … yeahhhh, go on then hahaha.
Fact is, though, Claire has convinced herself that Hannah is why I left her, but it’s not; Claire is why I left Claire and I regret not doing so sooner. It all ended when I went to my sisters house to look after the Dog and Cat, whilst she went on a holiday. This was a perfectly given opportunity for us to be able to share this time together. We’d be, essentially living together and what a perfect free opportunity. Except.. no. Claire made every excuse not to go, when the days begun, she was 2 days late, and left a day early, citing how, ohhh I need to come and leave when my Dad can take me; complete bull. When she was there, we spend every day arguing. She did nothing. I did everything, I walked the dog, and everything else a dog required, and the cat, and everything around the house, she honestly might as well not have been there and it would’ve been better.
Following this trip, I made an ultimatum with her. I was done pretending, and just said this is crap, I’m not happy in our relationship. I gave her around a month to show, even a glimpse, of change to reflect this. Nothing did. That was the final straw. I then met up with Claire, face-to-face, following days of never even messaging and weeks of not seeing each other, because I was never going to be an asshole that broke up via Message, we do this right. Many home truths were stated, Hannah was a friend of mine at this point, and someone Claire was aware of at this time, too.
I was at her house for what must have been perhaps 2 hours, and that was only whilst we waiting for her family to get back. Went in her room, and just said it as it is. I broke up with her, right there. I wasn’t happy in our relationship and the biggest reason was that I was on track to have wasted 10 years of my life on a relationship which hasn’t really changed since it began. Let’s be honest, 10 years in to a relationship you expect to live together, maybe married, and more; me and Claire, were the same as we were from back in College, but worse as we also weren’t happy. I even told her, right then, that I was planning on seeing some friends including one person I was wanting to make something work with, she was completely aware of my future plans with Hannah. Which means, all-in-all, Claire knew Hannah was a 90s child, so couldn’t of being a “16 year old I’m cheating” with her, such a pathetic thing to say, she even went as far as to call me a Pedo, such a stupid woman.
I gave my life to Claire, unfortunately caused some friendships to drift, which I’m hopeful can sometime mend. I always do my best to make amends, make friends with girlfriends; I remember a few years back bumping in to Diza, and even bumping in to Mary, and both occasions were in good spirits, despite the bad endings at those times. What a contrast to the way Claire decided to be. I could’ve been so much more stronger with my report on her, but thought honestly what’s the point as I don’t want to bow down to her level. In a way I pity her as she’s clearly not in the right place, doing little to sort it out, and taking that out on seeing me finally happy in my life. It’s sad really. But, at the same time … ah well 😁
Hannah – Truly “the one”, something she’ll known even more clearly soon
Whilst being apart from Hannah has been incredibly tough, and I once again can’t even come to terms with just how excited I am about finally getting to see her. Looking back on my past, you truly being to appreciate just how far you’ve come. By comparison, I’ve known Hannah for quite a short amount of time, but I feel like I’ve lived a life with her already. I’ve settled with her, almost instantly. There’s something different when I’m with Hannah, sure she’s a very beautiful attractive woman of course, but I just feel at home around her, it’s truly an incredible thing.
It’s with this, and so much more, that I know for a 100% fact that she is truly “the one” I’ve been searching my entire life for. No one has ever, at any point, even as slightly briefly as a gasp of breathe, made me feel even close to the way I feel about Hannah, my love for her is truly everlasting.
I do know as I write this, after writing about some pretty dark and depressing moments in my life, that it might seem almost farcical to suddenly be back to the beginning sections of everything’s la-de-da, but it actually truthfully is. Sure, I’ve got a lot of struggles coming up this year, whilst we figure out entirely how we’re going to make permanent arrangements work together, but this is the thing, I’m not as worried as I probably should be about that, because it doesn’t matter. Because I know, no matter what, I can count on Hannah to always be there for me, and the feeling is completely likewise from me to her, so the world is really just waiting for us, we just need to get that key and open that door to our future, it’s coming soon!
Summary
OK, it maybe plain and obvious that little has happened in 2023, so much so that I’ve spent most of this blog going down memory lane, but I think it was important to get some things out in the open, one because it was just right to bring closure, and another to quite frankly shut up a pathetic jealous attempt to sabotage what I know is a perfect relationship between me and Hannah, who I’ll always protect and defend.
Moving away from relationships, I will be talking about that M2 Max MacBook Pro, in a separate Tech post, which will be coming at some point, whilst I share my review of this thing, as it’s honestly really incredible how far Apple Silicon has come. This 14-inch Laptop, is more powerful than most Desktops, so it’s going to be my main Mac hub, on the go, and not, so with my newly purchased Speakers and future TV (or Monitor), we’re all set.
Other than that, quite frankly I’m preparing and bracing myself to pack up for the Trip upcoming and I’ll be sure to report on what I’m sure is another incredible time together with Hannah. Watch this space, as I’ve a feeling it’ll include quite the announcements 😉
BEHANN 
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